It’s a strange existence I’m living at the minute, very strange. I’m so exhausted I can’t even tell you. It feels like I’m constantly screaming on the inside but there isn’t even a problem. There is nothing wrong, I keep telling myself that. I keep telling myself all the self help bull shit. I keep going through the breathing exercises, I keep trying to find my focus and I keep trying to motivate myself but I can’t and I don’t want to. I’ve become so anxious about everything I can barely bring myself to talk anymore. Everything is an over thought, every last thing has an analysis process.
My mind work likes a cinematic experience that I’m constantly analysing over and over again. I constantly judging myself about my actions and the way I act, the things I do and say. I’m constantly trying to self correct and present myself as normal and I don’t even know what that is. I’m constantly thinking about all the people that have come and gone in my life. I’m angry and jealous all the time about things that did and did not happen. I can’t let go of the things that did happen or face the reality that I have no control. I dream about the day I’ll feel normal again and have normal things only to let the thoughts and feeling of lose and self control over take me. My mind has never been clear cut, there has never been a clean thought or a direct line to one.
I haven’t felt the human touch of another person in a long time, not just in a sexual sense. I haven’t felt the love of another person warm me nor have I been willing to accept the ones who were willing. I pushed away every one who ever loved me for most of the reasons already stated. I didn’t always feel this way, I didn’t start this way. I was willing to try once. Despite always having residual feelings of of confusion, panic and worry I was always willing to overcome them but not anymore.
For the past year I have lived the same day in and out. I’ve had the same feeling each day in and out. The worst part about everything is every where I turn I just see pain and misery. Even the people I do have in my life all suffer and I can’t even help them. I’m just greeted with the same sad stories and tales of woe. I hate who I am. I don’t know why anymore. I feel so much guilt, I’m the guiltiest person in the world who hasn’t done anything wrong. I just don’t know what’s wrong.