Cancer…A fly on the wall.

It’s Christmas eve 2017. I’m driving my mother to the hospice to see my auntie, She’s had terminal brain cancer for 6 years now. Each day that passes brings her closer to the end. As I’m driving my mother utters the words “This is the end”. She didn’t have to say anything else, my eyes open up like an over flowing canal and the rest of the journey is held in silence.

We arrive at the hospice, it’s a sunny day, the cruel irony. Press buzzer, sign in, enter the room…There she is.  Her face is warped and twisted, skin pale and bruised. She struggles to string a hello together as she sit’s there paralysed in her chair. The once youthful look she held is gone, her hair in tatters and her posture crippled into a constant abstract shape.  A large chunk of my family surrounded her making idle conversation, ignoring the pure reality of the situation, death sits among us.

My over active ego tries to lighten the mood with tales of my latest dating exploits, new recipes I’m learning to cook and general waffle about my life, the family laugh and my aunt stares blankly into the distance. What seems like a life time of inane conversation continues and the doctor arrives and ushers my uncle out of the room. A cold silence fills the pale pink walls and the thought of places where you die and colour schemes oddly pops in to my head. I wouldn’t want to die in front of pale pink, give me something vibrant.

More time passes and some nurses enter the room, true saints, worship them not your sports hero’s and your depraved pseudo celebrities. They have come to give my aunt a morphine deliverance system. A tumour has grown on her ovaries and is pressing on the bowls. I turn to my nan (My aunties mother) and the look on her face haunts me, it hasn’t left my mind. All the blood in her face was gone, she looked dishevelled, twisted and scared…my stomachs in my hands. My uncle asks us to leave the room and give them some privacy.

We’re in the waiting room and my uncle sits down immediately with his head in hands revealing all. “The tumour in her ovaries has grown to large…it’s pressing on the colon and the bowl… she can’t eat, go the toilet, she can’t do anything…the doctor says a few days, weeks minimum” That cold silence creeps back in only broken by the flood of tears by my nan, I hold her in my arms trying to reassure her, but I have nothing, no words, no inspirational speeches, no wisdom…Sometimes you have to sit with the reality of a situation and feel every ounce of it, I’ve never felt such pain in my life.

My emotions couldn’t take the situation anymore but one last gut punch to the stomach was making my final good bye to my auntie. I walk into her room and she sits there a husk. I rest my forehead on hers and kiss her cheek. “I love you Jo”. The tears erupt from my ducts but I turn swiftly to hide them. “Happy Christmas.” I walk down the dimly lit corridors and feel like I’m dragging boulders with me, I can’t even say goodbye to the rest of my family.

I don’t pray to god in the car park. I look up to the sky which was once full of light and now is overcast with darkness and grey, the threat of a storm looms. I sit with the newly created memory I have of my family in pain and weep, I weep forever. I curse the world in which we live In as my new found feelings of hope and goodness are destroyed. If miracles are real that’s the only hope I have left.

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Driving me crazy.

I’m in a lot of pain right now. It’s a strange feeling, I have no physical wounds or aliments, but I’m weak. I’m driving home from work and I’m tired, the last 9 hours of my life have been dedicated to working in solitary confinement repeating the same manual task over and over again. It’s been cold today and all the muscles in my body have been tense, my feet are wet as water has soaked through my boots and I’ve inhaled more carbon dioxide than any thing know to man.

My drive is also a solitary one, I leave the site to miles upon miles of what appears to be endless country side. Half way through my journey the weight of my bones drag my arms down, I feel like I can’t grip the wheel, my lungs start coughing up debris from the day and I’m undone. It’s such a beautiful day. It’s a mixture of bright sun that pierces the clouds and the aftermath of rain, the puddles sparkle with bravado and the heat of the sun aluminates my path.

A tear runs down my cheek as I’m staring into the distant and my bottom lip starts to tremble uncontrollably. I’m telling myself to be a man because there’s know need to feel the pain I feel right now and my arms become even more heavier than before. I breakdown. floods of tears fill up the car and everything becomes blurry, I can’t see. The road in front of me becomes a million miles longer and it doesn’t matter how fast I put my foot down I’m going nowhere. I think of every choice that had lead to this point but non of it makes sense, just a mish mash of bad memories and mistakes.

I finally arrive at my destination and collapse on the floor and try to breathe, the weight of my body is holding me to the ground and each second that passes as unremarkable as the last. The sheer sound of silence around me doesn’t sooth me it just puts an exclamation mark to everything that’s wrong. I’m on my own and have been for a long time now. The cat meows. I snap back to reality, I dust myself off, wipe the tears and stretch. Same time tomorrow?… I’ll see you then.

The lowest of the low, how your feeling right now.

If your reading this, it’s specifically designed for you. These words have been bought into this digital space for you and you only.  You’re at a low point, the world doesn’t seem to make sense anymore, shadows and the darkness is consuming you. It’s okay. Just know that right here and right now is okay. Just breathe the deepest breath you’ve ever taken, do it now. Whilst your breathing deep realise that this moment in time you are you, the pain and misery you feel is just a manifestation of experiences and possible bad choices. It doesn’t matter any more, the darkness is not here. In this moment you’re you, the most important person in your universe right now. Breathe deep again and push out all the badness all the evil that’s clogged up your mind is gone for this moment in time. You feel on your own right now, but I’m writing the words to you, for you to read, I’m here so you will never be alone again. Together we are strong and you’ll never be alone again.

Please feel free to comment and contact, stay safe and peace x

A letter to my Ex

You are possibly the worst person I have ever met! You’re a fucking cunt! Yes a fucking cunt! You sucked the life out of me! The past year has just been one big pile of horse shit and you were the fucking anus it stemmed from! You fucking cunt! You absolute fucking cunt! You invaded my life! My life! It’s mine, not yours, you invaded it and made me feel something! For the first time in a long time you made me feel something and you shit all over it, constantly, making me feel like a worthless boil on the arse of humanity. You fucking cunt.

You made me feel loved and wanted, needed. Every time something beautiful was about to develop you found a way to stick a knife between my spine and twist it so deep the blade broke and stuck you fucking bitch! I hate you, I feel so much hate and loathing towards you. Every memory is just jaded, black and white and full of grime.  You always made me the bad guy! I was the bad guy, constantly, every argument and indiscretion was my fault, it was me that did everything wasn’t it? Wasn’t it????! You fucking cunt.

A year of my life wasted on you, even when I put on my rose tinted glasses there covered in scum! Even the nice memories are tainted by you. The worst part of it all isn’t that you acted or treated me the way you did. It was because I let you. I let you degrade me, I let you speak to me like a piece of dirt, I let you walk all over me and why? For nothing, for absolute nothing. I’m thinking clearly now. This is all written in anger, but that’s because it’s been suppressed for so long, it’s clear to me now what you are, you are nothing, you are the bad guy, I will beat this and you will be nothing more than a bad memory…I will rise again

Yours Sincerely

Your Ex

Turning the lock

I’ve become something I am not

An identity unknown

A shadow in a mirror

The dull silence of a blank expression haunts my reflection.

 

When I met you I was charming,

I was sweet,

I loved life,

Possibilities were endless, I knew who I was.

 

I’m clinging onto an idea of self awareness and understanding,

The truth being I’m lost and each second that passes pushes me further away from myself,

Time is fractured, bent, those seconds that pass now last a life time,

The grey realisation of you feels like the answer.

 

I blame you,

I scream at you,

I want it to be you who did this,

I want you to be held accountable for this stranger I am,

 

There’s no resolution,

Those questions I ask myself never get answered,

The fear of walking away strangles me,

It’s not you, it’s me. I hold the key, but never turn the lock.