Letting go of your past with words.

I’ve always found writing a cathartic exercise. An exercise I don’t practise enough really. I remember being a young child hiding under my cabin bed and writing nonsensical stories for hours, letting the writing come to life in my imagination and dance behind my closed eyelids. They may not have made much grammatical sense back then but it was a past time, one I loved, one I hold fondly.

I’ve always loved stories. Stories grip, tangle and weave beautiful images in our minds. They touch us, teach us and express some of the deepest corners of our minds, not only to ourselves but others too. The main reason I love stories because of the awesome power they have to relate. My one trait I favour as a human is an uncanny ability to tell a story. I often use this trait in social situations as an attempt to bond with people. I love setting the scene and putting people in my eyes, I love to see the reactions on people’s faces when I tell them of one of my escapades. What I love more though, is when someone tells me one back. That’s when bonds form, bonds form and connect us, they let us know that we are not alone.

This blog has been littered with posts about my life, some things of a more spiritual nature, some randomness, the odd story here or there. I use this space as a platform for ventilation. Despite being able to tell a story one thing I’m not is a very good communicator of feelings. I’ve never been able to quite personify my feeling verbally. Maybe it’s an underdeveloped personality trait, maybe it’s the fear of not getting the reactions I want, maybe it’s down to some form of childhood trauma. It could be all of the above but for when I write I begin to see things more clearly, I can be honest with myself and most importantly I can get those feelings out.

I’ve come to learn that suppressing yourself is not a good thing. Go figure? It’s obvious that it’s never a good thing but I’m sure I and many others do it because of an innate fear. A fear of being rejected, not accepted, embarrassed… ashamed of who you are. I often hide my more sensitive side these days because I can’t bear the thought of being ridiculed for feeling. What an alien thought… Being so suppressed that you won’t allow yourself to feel. You’re denying yourself a human right on that path. When you go down that path another darker, abstract path appears. You depersonalize.

The feelings that made you YOU start to disappear and hide behind closed doors in your mind. You know they are there, clutching at door handles, scratching their bludgeoned fingertips at the door, but you keep them locked in because it’s easy that way. It’s easy not to face them. Your outside world becomes darker and grey when you turn off. You’re just a shell of a person going through the motions, trying not to have the mask you’ve made ripped off. Taking away the mask would reveal the person you’ve come to despise.

There’s a reason this happened though, there’s always a reason. Nothing in life happens due to mere chance. You didn’t just one day find yourself on the dark path, you made a choice, you chose the dark path. My belief is that if you relate to what I’m saying maybe you’re treading the slow footsteps or you’re un an unfamiliar wilderness. The sky is black, the trees are eerie, the wolves are howling. The reason I believe is in your story.

This isn’t about reliving the past. To an extent, it’s not. It’s about telling your story, revisiting those feelings and unlocking the doors in your mind. Part of the reason you suffer is that you haven’t let go. Occasionally you open the door to those feelings and you sucker punch them right in the gut, kick them back in their place and only feed them on the scraps of negativity. You haven’t let go of the past.

I’ve found that the main catharsis comes when it’s written out in front of you. The thoughts that linger in your mind are spelt out on paper and you can see them for what they really are. Memories that don’t exist in reality, just in your mind. They are gone, over, they can’t hurt you anymore. Writing them down is the way to let it go. Accepting what you see as nothing more than a time that doesn’t exist anymore. There just old stories.

I’d like to tell my story now, I’d like to let go.


I want to die.

I’m currently going through a bad bout of depression. It’s something I’ve suffered with on and off with since about 18 years old. I used to have a really bad weed habit in my teens which lead to paranoia and social anxiety. I combated it eventually in my early 20s but through out events in my life I’ve dealt with bouts of depression on and off. Usually treated with medication to get me back on the horse and flying straight again. This time it’s different, this time it feels uglier than before, this time I don’t know how to move forward. You want to know the funny thing? This time there’s nothing actually wrong.

I’m actually very fortunate at this point in my life. I have a well paying job, a family that loves me, a roof over my head, no relationship but I’m not tied down. Yet all of these things I have these, privileges in my life mean nothing to me anymore. I’m so ungrateful for the things I have running in the background of my life that I simply don’t care anymore. My sister had a child a few weeks ago, I became an uncle. As I went to the hospital to meet my nephew I wondered how I felt, I felt nothing. I picked up the new born baby and held him in my arms and had to fake emotions of joy and adulation. That was more upsetting to me, so there was at the very least one feeling.

I don’t want to see, talk or even involve myself in human interaction anymore. Something I was craving before I realised I had slipped back into this hole again. The worst thing about it all is it feels like a dream, like non of this is real. I constantly sleep and when I wake up I have to ask myself if this is real, a dawning realisation tells me it is, followed by another that it doesn’t have to be, I can just go back to sleep and hope to wake up a better person.

The structure to anyone’s purpose should be the pursuit of fulfilment. Bettering themselves, achieving goals and building relationships. I don’t want to do that, not anymore. I used to want it so badly that I would obsess about it. Every failed attempt is what had lead me to this point.

I don’t want to live anymore, because I don’t see a point. The strangest thing being that I only slightly well up with tears as I write that sentence. Just because I don’t want to live anymore it doesn’t mean I’m going to kill myself. I’m to much of a coward to do that but one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that I have the choice to die on my own terms. No cancers, no old age, no long strung out death sequence. I can just disappear out of existence right now and I don’t have to deal with the pain in my mind anymore. If you have some kind of solution for me, please share your words but I know I’m the only one who can save myself. I just don’t know where to start.

Driving me crazy.

I’m in a lot of pain right now. It’s a strange feeling, I have no physical wounds or aliments, but I’m weak. I’m driving home from work and I’m tired, the last 9 hours of my life have been dedicated to working in solitary confinement repeating the same manual task over and over again. It’s been cold today and all the muscles in my body have been tense, my feet are wet as water has soaked through my boots and I’ve inhaled more carbon dioxide than any thing know to man.

My drive is also a solitary one, I leave the site to miles upon miles of what appears to be endless country side. Half way through my journey the weight of my bones drag my arms down, I feel like I can’t grip the wheel, my lungs start coughing up debris from the day and I’m undone. It’s such a beautiful day. It’s a mixture of bright sun that pierces the clouds and the aftermath of rain, the puddles sparkle with bravado and the heat of the sun aluminates my path.

A tear runs down my cheek as I’m staring into the distant and my bottom lip starts to tremble uncontrollably. I’m telling myself to be a man because there’s know need to feel the pain I feel right now and my arms become even more heavier than before. I breakdown. floods of tears fill up the car and everything becomes blurry, I can’t see. The road in front of me becomes a million miles longer and it doesn’t matter how fast I put my foot down I’m going nowhere. I think of every choice that had lead to this point but non of it makes sense, just a mish mash of bad memories and mistakes.

I finally arrive at my destination and collapse on the floor and try to breathe, the weight of my body is holding me to the ground and each second that passes as unremarkable as the last. The sheer sound of silence around me doesn’t sooth me it just puts an exclamation mark to everything that’s wrong. I’m on my own and have been for a long time now. The cat meows. I snap back to reality, I dust myself off, wipe the tears and stretch. Same time tomorrow?… I’ll see you then.

What it’s like to be in a long distance relationship

What’s it like being in a long distance relationship? We’ll let me tell you this for sure, you are in for one hell of an emotional thrill (Hell) ride! The short answer is emotionally draining, tiresome and complicated, but sprinkled through out are moments of joy, new experiences and a dull sense of love and not feeling completely alone in the world. My experiences may not mirror those of others, but that’s why they are mine, if you can relate maybe you’re not alone after all.

Let’s get social.

If like me, you met your long distant partner in reality in another country, you fell instantly in love and didn’t want to get on that plane back home, we have a starting point. Social media will be your new best friend when it comes to staying in contact with your long distant lover. At first it’s exciting, your talking to your long distant lover constantly through the prison of “chat” box and constantly making plans to video talk later. These video talks make you feel like your relationship is real, you can see your partner, your telling them about your day and learning new things about each other, you’re beginning to make plans for the future! But there’s a digital boundary between you both, you crave the intimacy you once had with that person in reality…you start to get a little hot under the collar…

Cyber sex, the instant humiliation.

There’s nothing worse in life the catching your own reflection masturbating in your iPad mini 2 screen. Even though you can see your transatlantic lover thumping one out in front of you, the disconnect when seeing a vague shadow of yourself climax is well, for lack of a better word haunting. Cyber sex can become a daily routine, which can then swiftly move into a monotonous act of lying there, cock in hand, about ready to cry because you want to feel the human touch of another person. You want something real.

I’ll catch a plane and empty my wallet at the border.

Unless your dripping in money at some point your long distance relationship is going to cost you…big! Travel isn’t cheap but you want to be with your boarder bending woman (or man) so you will take the financial hit and visit them, or they will come to you, or you will do both for an elongated period of time. You’ll spend time together, fall in love all over again and see the world. It truly is beautiful but with each trip your wallet is getting a little bit lighter and for me resentment started to settle in. Before you know it your back home staring into your ipad mini 2 screen again trying to recreate that banging sex you had! Ah but you just caught that reflection again and to make it worse you’ve gone over your over draft and consider selling your online wanking services to others to top up your bank account!

Arguments. Kiss and make up.

If you have ever experienced an argument with an online lover we’ll let me tell you. It’s twice as hard as having the person next to you. “Your’e a fucking bitch and…” Chat window closed. “oh no, she hung up on me. What have I done? Oh shit! Oh Shit!” Arguing with someone in another country is hard because essentially you have to sit and wait out the storm. You can’t physically talk to the person and show your remorse for what you have done. You have to sit on your hands and either wait for them to re approach you or type a well thought out essay about how “wrong” you were and you “didn’t” mean what you said. Arguments are then never truly cleared up and moved away from because your so confined in a chat/video box there’s no real room for movement. You then start to think about other things, like what’s really going on with your roaming lover.

Paranoia, in it’s purest form.

Ahhh paranoia. Where would we be with out you. Let’s get down to brass tax here. Your online relationship will suffer this because you truly never know what the other person is doing. You trust them sure, they have agreed to this and are going through the motions like you, but doubt always lingers at the bottom of your soul. “Where are they?” “What are they doing?” “why haven’t they logged on in 43 minutes?”. You become a bit lost. Your investing all your time into a computer screen and you know if that person was here you wouldn’t feel that way. You’ve truly become something different, you’re not the fun loving 20 something you once were, just an emotional mess sat in your pyjamas waiting to talk to your girl again. You cry.

Decision time. The end.

You’ve exhausted all forms of conversation in the video chat, you’ve travelled round the world and your iPad mini 2 looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. We need to make a decision now! You talk about your options and realise that one of you needs to make the move, start in a new country, leave everything they have behind. A stalemate, the silence. Communications dwindle, you both know something is wrong, the last year of your life has solely been in the pursuit of happiness via a computer keyboard and you become lost, even more so. You realise that all of this has been a facade. You don’t actually know who your talking to anymore, everything you felt is now being funnelled into a choice that could effect the rest of your life, good and bad. It ends, you both log out.

The dawn of realisation.

Despite any happiness you have experienced over the past year 80 percent of you has just been talking to a fictional version of your loved one, a digital representation of them. You feel empty, even more so than before because you can’t just login anymore and talk like you once did. You question ever last thing you did and said and the choices you made. You realise that it all wasn’t right and real love shouldn’t be so hard. There’s relief. You can now start over and leave all the heart ache and pain behind. You can be real.

Online dating, sink or swim?

I’m staring blankly at my online dating profile, paused in a moment in time. Looking down the barrel of pixilated orgy of vanity and desperation…That’s certainly one way of looking at it. On the other side of the mind ocean my thoughts take to a place which was once full of hope, dreams and love. Searching for an island in a sea of shit, every now and again you dodge a turd and find a treasure chest.

Here’s the thing with online dating and thoughts many or few of us might have had. Being born just before the turn of the century I witnessed the dawn of an age of depersonalisation. Online dating is the equivalent of a human love cattle market. We cram our lives into a text box hoping we can connect with our life partner…or your just there to fuck.. We have this wonderful outlet to meet and connect with real humans, a place where there is so much variety and spontaneous possibility, but how can we make this connection when what it boils down to is a fast food restaurant that only serves judgement? I know people who have met there one and online in these places, I envy them, I truly do. I once thought I met that someone or at the very least I thought I did. This all sounds jaded and from the shadows and to a certain point it Is, but when I log in for the swiping ride of my life all I see is the same selfie over and over again, all I see is the same sentences over and over again. The  thoughts that lingers in my mind as I’m swimming through the single sea  is “if I’m talking to you, how many others are you talking to? Do I now have to battle with conversational wit to win your affection?… Fuck you!”

How can we truly make real relationships with people when our intentions are purely based on vanity? No ones reading your bio! If part of your daily life involves logging onto online dating platforms at least part of you is searching for something, be it meaning or lust. When do you decide this is the one person who wins? How can one person truly ever meet your needs and affections when there’s someone edging you behind the scenes with a well placed text message? How do we see through the meaning of good intentions and the cloak and dagger of rejection? For me I see it like this. When I meet a person in real life, who I’m affectionate about I can make an informed decision on them from body language, appearance and demeanour, personality, it’s a judgement but it’s based in the real world and sincere. When I’m logged in I’m making that judgement on based on a picture and however arsed the other side has been to write something. One is real the other is fabricated. I stare blankly at my online dating profile, I’m paused in a moment of time, I snap back to reality and start swimming or am I sinking? Who knows.

If your’e reading this and take something from it I hope it finds you well. Maybe we’re not alone.

Kind Regards