I’ve become something I am not
An identity unknown
A shadow in a mirror
The dull silence of a blank expression haunts my reflection.
When I met you I was charming,
I was sweet,
I loved life,
Possibilities were endless, I knew who I was.
I’m clinging onto an idea of self awareness and understanding,
The truth being I’m lost and each second that passes pushes me further away from myself,
Time is fractured, bent, those seconds that pass now last a life time,
The grey realisation of you feels like the answer.
I blame you,
I scream at you,
I want it to be you who did this,
I want you to be held accountable for this stranger I am,
There’s no resolution,
Those questions I ask myself never get answered,
The fear of walking away strangles me,
It’s not you, it’s me. I hold the key, but never turn the lock.
I’m staring blankly at my online dating profile, paused in a moment in time. Looking down the barrel of pixilated orgy of vanity and desperation…That’s certainly one way of looking at it. On the other side of the mind ocean my thoughts take to a place which was once full of hope, dreams and love. Searching for an island in a sea of shit, every now and again you dodge a turd and find a treasure chest.
Here’s the thing with online dating and thoughts many or few of us might have had. Being born just before the turn of the century I witnessed the dawn of an age of depersonalisation. Online dating is the equivalent of a human love cattle market. We cram our lives into a text box hoping we can connect with our life partner…or your just there to fuck.. We have this wonderful outlet to meet and connect with real humans, a place where there is so much variety and spontaneous possibility, but how can we make this connection when what it boils down to is a fast food restaurant that only serves judgement? I know people who have met there one and online in these places, I envy them, I truly do. I once thought I met that someone or at the very least I thought I did. This all sounds jaded and from the shadows and to a certain point it Is, but when I log in for the swiping ride of my life all I see is the same selfie over and over again, all I see is the same sentences over and over again. The thoughts that lingers in my mind as I’m swimming through the single sea is “if I’m talking to you, how many others are you talking to? Do I now have to battle with conversational wit to win your affection?… Fuck you!”
How can we truly make real relationships with people when our intentions are purely based on vanity? No ones reading your bio! If part of your daily life involves logging onto online dating platforms at least part of you is searching for something, be it meaning or lust. When do you decide this is the one person who wins? How can one person truly ever meet your needs and affections when there’s someone edging you behind the scenes with a well placed text message? How do we see through the meaning of good intentions and the cloak and dagger of rejection? For me I see it like this. When I meet a person in real life, who I’m affectionate about I can make an informed decision on them from body language, appearance and demeanour, personality, it’s a judgement but it’s based in the real world and sincere. When I’m logged in I’m making that judgement on based on a picture and however arsed the other side has been to write something. One is real the other is fabricated. I stare blankly at my online dating profile, I’m paused in a moment of time, I snap back to reality and start swimming or am I sinking? Who knows.
If your’e reading this and take something from it I hope it finds you well. Maybe we’re not alone.
Someone once told me that if you write something down it become real. Not in the realms of fantasy, but real life. Let me give that some context. When you write something, it’s no longer just a thought, it’s no longer in your head, it’s not buried within, it has transcended. The best example I can give of this is put pen to paper and see your thought in the real world. It’s now more than it ever was.
My names Tom. This is my introduction to the world, through the medium of text. It’s an outlet, a cathartic exercise, an escape. I’m by no means a professional writer, a scholar or academic. My prowess with the written word is only limited by imagination and ability to form sentences. (not sure if you noticed the name of the page) I’m trying though and for the most part that’s all that matters. I’ve created this page as a means to be creative, talk about the things I like, love, stories, thoughts… Another corner of the internet that may lead to strange paths. For now, this is me saying hello. If you take something, anything from this place I hope it finds you well and maybe we’re not alone on this journey.