Driving me crazy.

I’m in a lot of pain right now. It’s a strange feeling, I have no physical wounds or aliments, but I’m weak. I’m driving home from work and I’m tired, the last 9 hours of my life have been dedicated to working in solitary confinement repeating the same manual task over and over again. It’s been cold today and all the muscles in my body have been tense, my feet are wet as water has soaked through my boots and I’ve inhaled more carbon dioxide than any thing know to man.

My drive is also a solitary one, I leave the site to miles upon miles of what appears to be endless country side. Half way through my journey the weight of my bones drag my arms down, I feel like I can’t grip the wheel, my lungs start coughing up debris from the day and I’m undone. It’s such a beautiful day. It’s a mixture of bright sun that pierces the clouds and the aftermath of rain, the puddles sparkle with bravado and the heat of the sun aluminates my path.

A tear runs down my cheek as I’m staring into the distant and my bottom lip starts to tremble uncontrollably. I’m telling myself to be a man because there’s know need to feel the pain I feel right now and my arms become even more heavier than before. I breakdown. floods of tears fill up the car and everything becomes blurry, I can’t see. The road in front of me becomes a million miles longer and it doesn’t matter how fast I put my foot down I’m going nowhere. I think of every choice that had lead to this point but non of it makes sense, just a mish mash of bad memories and mistakes.

I finally arrive at my destination and collapse on the floor and try to breathe, the weight of my body is holding me to the ground and each second that passes as unremarkable as the last. The sheer sound of silence around me doesn’t sooth me it just puts an exclamation mark to everything that’s wrong. I’m on my own and have been for a long time now. The cat meows. I snap back to reality, I dust myself off, wipe the tears and stretch. Same time tomorrow?… I’ll see you then.

The lowest of the low, how your feeling right now.

If your reading this, it’s specifically designed for you. These words have been bought into this digital space for you and you only.  You’re at a low point, the world doesn’t seem to make sense anymore, shadows and the darkness is consuming you. It’s okay. Just know that right here and right now is okay. Just breathe the deepest breath you’ve ever taken, do it now. Whilst your breathing deep realise that this moment in time you are you, the pain and misery you feel is just a manifestation of experiences and possible bad choices. It doesn’t matter any more, the darkness is not here. In this moment you’re you, the most important person in your universe right now. Breathe deep again and push out all the badness all the evil that’s clogged up your mind is gone for this moment in time. You feel on your own right now, but I’m writing the words to you, for you to read, I’m here so you will never be alone again. Together we are strong and you’ll never be alone again.

Please feel free to comment and contact, stay safe and peace x

What it’s like to be in a long distance relationship

What’s it like being in a long distance relationship? We’ll let me tell you this for sure, you are in for one hell of an emotional thrill (Hell) ride! The short answer is emotionally draining, tiresome and complicated, but sprinkled through out are moments of joy, new experiences and a dull sense of love and not feeling completely alone in the world. My experiences may not mirror those of others, but that’s why they are mine, if you can relate maybe you’re not alone after all.

Let’s get social.

If like me, you met your long distant partner in reality in another country, you fell instantly in love and didn’t want to get on that plane back home, we have a starting point. Social media will be your new best friend when it comes to staying in contact with your long distant lover. At first it’s exciting, your talking to your long distant lover constantly through the prison of “chat” box and constantly making plans to video talk later. These video talks make you feel like your relationship is real, you can see your partner, your telling them about your day and learning new things about each other, you’re beginning to make plans for the future! But there’s a digital boundary between you both, you crave the intimacy you once had with that person in reality…you start to get a little hot under the collar…

Cyber sex, the instant humiliation.

There’s nothing worse in life the catching your own reflection masturbating in your iPad mini 2 screen. Even though you can see your transatlantic lover thumping one out in front of you, the disconnect when seeing a vague shadow of yourself climax is well, for lack of a better word haunting. Cyber sex can become a daily routine, which can then swiftly move into a monotonous act of lying there, cock in hand, about ready to cry because you want to feel the human touch of another person. You want something real.

I’ll catch a plane and empty my wallet at the border.

Unless your dripping in money at some point your long distance relationship is going to cost you…big! Travel isn’t cheap but you want to be with your boarder bending woman (or man) so you will take the financial hit and visit them, or they will come to you, or you will do both for an elongated period of time. You’ll spend time together, fall in love all over again and see the world. It truly is beautiful but with each trip your wallet is getting a little bit lighter and for me resentment started to settle in. Before you know it your back home staring into your ipad mini 2 screen again trying to recreate that banging sex you had! Ah but you just caught that reflection again and to make it worse you’ve gone over your over draft and consider selling your online wanking services to others to top up your bank account!

Arguments. Kiss and make up.

If you have ever experienced an argument with an online lover we’ll let me tell you. It’s twice as hard as having the person next to you. “Your’e a fucking bitch and…” Chat window closed. “oh no, she hung up on me. What have I done? Oh shit! Oh Shit!” Arguing with someone in another country is hard because essentially you have to sit and wait out the storm. You can’t physically talk to the person and show your remorse for what you have done. You have to sit on your hands and either wait for them to re approach you or type a well thought out essay about how “wrong” you were and you “didn’t” mean what you said. Arguments are then never truly cleared up and moved away from because your so confined in a chat/video box there’s no real room for movement. You then start to think about other things, like what’s really going on with your roaming lover.

Paranoia, in it’s purest form.

Ahhh paranoia. Where would we be with out you. Let’s get down to brass tax here. Your online relationship will suffer this because you truly never know what the other person is doing. You trust them sure, they have agreed to this and are going through the motions like you, but doubt always lingers at the bottom of your soul. “Where are they?” “What are they doing?” “why haven’t they logged on in 43 minutes?”. You become a bit lost. Your investing all your time into a computer screen and you know if that person was here you wouldn’t feel that way. You’ve truly become something different, you’re not the fun loving 20 something you once were, just an emotional mess sat in your pyjamas waiting to talk to your girl again. You cry.

Decision time. The end.

You’ve exhausted all forms of conversation in the video chat, you’ve travelled round the world and your iPad mini 2 looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. We need to make a decision now! You talk about your options and realise that one of you needs to make the move, start in a new country, leave everything they have behind. A stalemate, the silence. Communications dwindle, you both know something is wrong, the last year of your life has solely been in the pursuit of happiness via a computer keyboard and you become lost, even more so. You realise that all of this has been a facade. You don’t actually know who your talking to anymore, everything you felt is now being funnelled into a choice that could effect the rest of your life, good and bad. It ends, you both log out.

The dawn of realisation.

Despite any happiness you have experienced over the past year 80 percent of you has just been talking to a fictional version of your loved one, a digital representation of them. You feel empty, even more so than before because you can’t just login anymore and talk like you once did. You question ever last thing you did and said and the choices you made. You realise that it all wasn’t right and real love shouldn’t be so hard. There’s relief. You can now start over and leave all the heart ache and pain behind. You can be real.

A letter to my Ex

You are possibly the worst person I have ever met! You’re a fucking cunt! Yes a fucking cunt! You sucked the life out of me! The past year has just been one big pile of horse shit and you were the fucking anus it stemmed from! You fucking cunt! You absolute fucking cunt! You invaded my life! My life! It’s mine, not yours, you invaded it and made me feel something! For the first time in a long time you made me feel something and you shit all over it, constantly, making me feel like a worthless boil on the arse of humanity. You fucking cunt.

You made me feel loved and wanted, needed. Every time something beautiful was about to develop you found a way to stick a knife between my spine and twist it so deep the blade broke and stuck you fucking bitch! I hate you, I feel so much hate and loathing towards you. Every memory is just jaded, black and white and full of grime.  You always made me the bad guy! I was the bad guy, constantly, every argument and indiscretion was my fault, it was me that did everything wasn’t it? Wasn’t it????! You fucking cunt.

A year of my life wasted on you, even when I put on my rose tinted glasses there covered in scum! Even the nice memories are tainted by you. The worst part of it all isn’t that you acted or treated me the way you did. It was because I let you. I let you degrade me, I let you speak to me like a piece of dirt, I let you walk all over me and why? For nothing, for absolute nothing. I’m thinking clearly now. This is all written in anger, but that’s because it’s been suppressed for so long, it’s clear to me now what you are, you are nothing, you are the bad guy, I will beat this and you will be nothing more than a bad memory…I will rise again

Yours Sincerely

Your Ex

Turning the lock

I’ve become something I am not

An identity unknown

A shadow in a mirror

The dull silence of a blank expression haunts my reflection.

 

When I met you I was charming,

I was sweet,

I loved life,

Possibilities were endless, I knew who I was.

 

I’m clinging onto an idea of self awareness and understanding,

The truth being I’m lost and each second that passes pushes me further away from myself,

Time is fractured, bent, those seconds that pass now last a life time,

The grey realisation of you feels like the answer.

 

I blame you,

I scream at you,

I want it to be you who did this,

I want you to be held accountable for this stranger I am,

 

There’s no resolution,

Those questions I ask myself never get answered,

The fear of walking away strangles me,

It’s not you, it’s me. I hold the key, but never turn the lock.

Online dating, sink or swim?

I’m staring blankly at my online dating profile, paused in a moment in time. Looking down the barrel of pixilated orgy of vanity and desperation…That’s certainly one way of looking at it. On the other side of the mind ocean my thoughts take to a place which was once full of hope, dreams and love. Searching for an island in a sea of shit, every now and again you dodge a turd and find a treasure chest.

Here’s the thing with online dating and thoughts many or few of us might have had. Being born just before the turn of the century I witnessed the dawn of an age of depersonalisation. Online dating is the equivalent of a human love cattle market. We cram our lives into a text box hoping we can connect with our life partner…or your just there to fuck.. We have this wonderful outlet to meet and connect with real humans, a place where there is so much variety and spontaneous possibility, but how can we make this connection when what it boils down to is a fast food restaurant that only serves judgement? I know people who have met there one and online in these places, I envy them, I truly do. I once thought I met that someone or at the very least I thought I did. This all sounds jaded and from the shadows and to a certain point it Is, but when I log in for the swiping ride of my life all I see is the same selfie over and over again, all I see is the same sentences over and over again. The  thoughts that lingers in my mind as I’m swimming through the single sea  is “if I’m talking to you, how many others are you talking to? Do I now have to battle with conversational wit to win your affection?… Fuck you!”

How can we truly make real relationships with people when our intentions are purely based on vanity? No ones reading your bio! If part of your daily life involves logging onto online dating platforms at least part of you is searching for something, be it meaning or lust. When do you decide this is the one person who wins? How can one person truly ever meet your needs and affections when there’s someone edging you behind the scenes with a well placed text message? How do we see through the meaning of good intentions and the cloak and dagger of rejection? For me I see it like this. When I meet a person in real life, who I’m affectionate about I can make an informed decision on them from body language, appearance and demeanour, personality, it’s a judgement but it’s based in the real world and sincere. When I’m logged in I’m making that judgement on based on a picture and however arsed the other side has been to write something. One is real the other is fabricated. I stare blankly at my online dating profile, I’m paused in a moment of time, I snap back to reality and start swimming or am I sinking? Who knows.

If your’e reading this and take something from it I hope it finds you well. Maybe we’re not alone.

Kind Regards

Tom

An Introduction

Someone once told me that if you write something down it become real. Not in the realms of fantasy, but real life. Let me give that some context. When you write something, it’s no longer just a thought, it’s no longer in your head, it’s not buried within, it has transcended. The best example I can give of this is put pen to paper and see your thought in the real world. It’s now more than it ever was.

My names Tom. This is my introduction to the world, through the medium of text. It’s an outlet, a cathartic exercise, an escape. I’m by no means a professional writer, a scholar or academic. My prowess with the written word is only limited by imagination and ability to form sentences. (not sure if you noticed the name of the page) I’m trying though and for the most part that’s all that matters. I’ve created this page as a means to be creative, talk about the things I like, love, stories, thoughts… Another corner of the internet that may lead to strange paths. For now, this is me saying hello. If you take something, anything from this place I hope it finds you well and maybe we’re not alone on this journey.

 

Yours Kindly

Tom