I want to die.

I’m currently going through a bad bout of depression. It’s something I’ve suffered with on and off with since about 18 years old. I used to have a really bad weed habit in my teens which lead to paranoia and social anxiety. I combated it eventually in my early 20s but through out events in my life I’ve dealt with bouts of depression on and off. Usually treated with medication to get me back on the horse and flying straight again. This time it’s different, this time it feels uglier than before, this time I don’t know how to move forward. You want to know the funny thing? This time there’s nothing actually wrong.

I’m actually very fortunate at this point in my life. I have a well paying job, a family that loves me, a roof over my head, no relationship but I’m not tied down. Yet all of these things I have these, privileges in my life mean nothing to me anymore. I’m so ungrateful for the things I have running in the background of my life that I simply don’t care anymore. My sister had a child a few weeks ago, I became an uncle. As I went to the hospital to meet my nephew I wondered how I felt, I felt nothing. I picked up the new born baby and held him in my arms and had to fake emotions of joy and adulation. That was more upsetting to me, so there was at the very least one feeling.

I don’t want to see, talk or even involve myself in human interaction anymore. Something I was craving before I realised I had slipped back into this hole again. The worst thing about it all is it feels like a dream, like non of this is real. I constantly sleep and when I wake up I have to ask myself if this is real, a dawning realisation tells me it is, followed by another that it doesn’t have to be, I can just go back to sleep and hope to wake up a better person.

The structure to anyone’s purpose should be the pursuit of fulfilment. Bettering themselves, achieving goals and building relationships. I don’t want to do that, not anymore. I used to want it so badly that I would obsess about it. Every failed attempt is what had lead me to this point.

I don’t want to live anymore, because I don’t see a point. The strangest thing being that I only slightly well up with tears as I write that sentence. Just because I don’t want to live anymore it doesn’t mean I’m going to kill myself. I’m to much of a coward to do that but one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that I have the choice to die on my own terms. No cancers, no old age, no long strung out death sequence. I can just disappear out of existence right now and I don’t have to deal with the pain in my mind anymore. If you have some kind of solution for me, please share your words but I know I’m the only one who can save myself. I just don’t know where to start.

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Driving me crazy.

I’m in a lot of pain right now. It’s a strange feeling, I have no physical wounds or aliments, but I’m weak. I’m driving home from work and I’m tired, the last 9 hours of my life have been dedicated to working in solitary confinement repeating the same manual task over and over again. It’s been cold today and all the muscles in my body have been tense, my feet are wet as water has soaked through my boots and I’ve inhaled more carbon dioxide than any thing know to man.

My drive is also a solitary one, I leave the site to miles upon miles of what appears to be endless country side. Half way through my journey the weight of my bones drag my arms down, I feel like I can’t grip the wheel, my lungs start coughing up debris from the day and I’m undone. It’s such a beautiful day. It’s a mixture of bright sun that pierces the clouds and the aftermath of rain, the puddles sparkle with bravado and the heat of the sun aluminates my path.

A tear runs down my cheek as I’m staring into the distant and my bottom lip starts to tremble uncontrollably. I’m telling myself to be a man because there’s know need to feel the pain I feel right now and my arms become even more heavier than before. I breakdown. floods of tears fill up the car and everything becomes blurry, I can’t see. The road in front of me becomes a million miles longer and it doesn’t matter how fast I put my foot down I’m going nowhere. I think of every choice that had lead to this point but non of it makes sense, just a mish mash of bad memories and mistakes.

I finally arrive at my destination and collapse on the floor and try to breathe, the weight of my body is holding me to the ground and each second that passes as unremarkable as the last. The sheer sound of silence around me doesn’t sooth me it just puts an exclamation mark to everything that’s wrong. I’m on my own and have been for a long time now. The cat meows. I snap back to reality, I dust myself off, wipe the tears and stretch. Same time tomorrow?… I’ll see you then.