Cancer…A fly on the wall.

It’s Christmas eve 2017. I’m driving my mother to the hospice to see my auntie, She’s had terminal brain cancer for 6 years now. Each day that passes brings her closer to the end. As I’m driving my mother utters the words “This is the end”. She didn’t have to say anything else, my eyes open up like an over flowing canal and the rest of the journey is held in silence.

We arrive at the hospice, it’s a sunny day, the cruel irony. Press buzzer, sign in, enter the room…There she is.  Her face is warped and twisted, skin pale and bruised. She struggles to string a hello together as she sit’s there paralysed in her chair. The once youthful look she held is gone, her hair in tatters and her posture crippled into a constant abstract shape.  A large chunk of my family surrounded her making idle conversation, ignoring the pure reality of the situation, death sits among us.

My over active ego tries to lighten the mood with tales of my latest dating exploits, new recipes I’m learning to cook and general waffle about my life, the family laugh and my aunt stares blankly into the distance. What seems like a life time of inane conversation continues and the doctor arrives and ushers my uncle out of the room. A cold silence fills the pale pink walls and the thought of places where you die and colour schemes oddly pops in to my head. I wouldn’t want to die in front of pale pink, give me something vibrant.

More time passes and some nurses enter the room, true saints, worship them not your sports hero’s and your depraved pseudo celebrities. They have come to give my aunt a morphine deliverance system. A tumour has grown on her ovaries and is pressing on the bowls. I turn to my nan (My aunties mother) and the look on her face haunts me, it hasn’t left my mind. All the blood in her face was gone, she looked dishevelled, twisted and scared…my stomachs in my hands. My uncle asks us to leave the room and give them some privacy.

We’re in the waiting room and my uncle sits down immediately with his head in hands revealing all. “The tumour in her ovaries has grown to large…it’s pressing on the colon and the bowl… she can’t eat, go the toilet, she can’t do anything…the doctor says a few days, weeks minimum” That cold silence creeps back in only broken by the flood of tears by my nan, I hold her in my arms trying to reassure her, but I have nothing, no words, no inspirational speeches, no wisdom…Sometimes you have to sit with the reality of a situation and feel every ounce of it, I’ve never felt such pain in my life.

My emotions couldn’t take the situation anymore but one last gut punch to the stomach was making my final good bye to my auntie. I walk into her room and she sits there a husk. I rest my forehead on hers and kiss her cheek. “I love you Jo”. The tears erupt from my ducts but I turn swiftly to hide them. “Happy Christmas.” I walk down the dimly lit corridors and feel like I’m dragging boulders with me, I can’t even say goodbye to the rest of my family.

I don’t pray to god in the car park. I look up to the sky which was once full of light and now is overcast with darkness and grey, the threat of a storm looms. I sit with the newly created memory I have of my family in pain and weep, I weep forever. I curse the world in which we live In as my new found feelings of hope and goodness are destroyed. If miracles are real that’s the only hope I have left.


I want to die.

I’m currently going through a bad bout of depression. It’s something I’ve suffered with on and off with since about 18 years old. I used to have a really bad weed habit in my teens which lead to paranoia and social anxiety. I combated it eventually in my early 20s but through out events in my life I’ve dealt with bouts of depression on and off. Usually treated with medication to get me back on the horse and flying straight again. This time it’s different, this time it feels uglier than before, this time I don’t know how to move forward. You want to know the funny thing? This time there’s nothing actually wrong.

I’m actually very fortunate at this point in my life. I have a well paying job, a family that loves me, a roof over my head, no relationship but I’m not tied down. Yet all of these things I have these, privileges in my life mean nothing to me anymore. I’m so ungrateful for the things I have running in the background of my life that I simply don’t care anymore. My sister had a child a few weeks ago, I became an uncle. As I went to the hospital to meet my nephew I wondered how I felt, I felt nothing. I picked up the new born baby and held him in my arms and had to fake emotions of joy and adulation. That was more upsetting to me, so there was at the very least one feeling.

I don’t want to see, talk or even involve myself in human interaction anymore. Something I was craving before I realised I had slipped back into this hole again. The worst thing about it all is it feels like a dream, like non of this is real. I constantly sleep and when I wake up I have to ask myself if this is real, a dawning realisation tells me it is, followed by another that it doesn’t have to be, I can just go back to sleep and hope to wake up a better person.

The structure to anyone’s purpose should be the pursuit of fulfilment. Bettering themselves, achieving goals and building relationships. I don’t want to do that, not anymore. I used to want it so badly that I would obsess about it. Every failed attempt is what had lead me to this point.

I don’t want to live anymore, because I don’t see a point. The strangest thing being that I only slightly well up with tears as I write that sentence. Just because I don’t want to live anymore it doesn’t mean I’m going to kill myself. I’m to much of a coward to do that but one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that I have the choice to die on my own terms. No cancers, no old age, no long strung out death sequence. I can just disappear out of existence right now and I don’t have to deal with the pain in my mind anymore. If you have some kind of solution for me, please share your words but I know I’m the only one who can save myself. I just don’t know where to start.